a new year

The house is suddenly, unexpectedly quiet. I put on my own music and hide ‘The Cat Came Back’ in a stack of other CDs. I’m standing in the living room, strapping Amelia’s stick horse’s head back into it’s bridle when I realize that the year is ending. The other evening I heard a song on the radio that came out when I was in high school. It’s one of those songs that has all this memory, and nostalgia tied to it, and brings back the intensity of every major (or minor) daily event- the way we feel when we’re 15, or the way I did, anway. And it just happens to be about the year ending. This song came on while I’m sitting in the very un-chic-but-oh-so-necessary-when-you’re-breastfeeding recliner that lives in our kitchen. I’m holding Aven on my lap (just post feeding) and I start singing along with this song, and she goes crazy! She squawks along, coos, waves her arms and legs, gives me that wonder-filled wide mouth, wide eyes look, loving it. So I sing this song to her that reminds me of being 15, of the glow of blue Christmas lights strung across my room, the first boy I really loved, the snow outside my window, the feeling that my life was just beginning to start. And I had this moment with her, sharing this sudden memory, this slice of emotion from my past. So days later, the song is still in my head, and I used to own the CD, but sold it in college when I was broke, I think, or gave it to someone…in any event, I don’t have it and I am feeling that obsessed with a song feeling that also reminds me of being 15, but one difference between then and now is ITunes (which I’ve just learned to use in the last month or so), so viola- I now have the song!

Only it’s not the same. I play it once, then over again. I sing along.

Then I realize that it’s not the same for me, because I’m not looking forward to something better anymore. The last year of my life was pretty damn amazing; I became a mother again- and it didn’t scare me this time, I was able to really soak it up and enjoy the amazingness of all of it, I grew a fabulous garden, Amelia learned to talk so I've been let in on all her ideas, and humor, and sweetness, Mike and I are (quite possibly) better than we've ever been together, I made new friends, I wrote some poetry, and I got creative in new ways.

I am looking forward, but not as a way to escape where I am now…I want to let it roll over me with that same wide eyed joy, mouth open, tasting, breathing in each new thing.