Tuesday, September 25, 2012


We all fall apart a little differently.
I ask questions; will i make it on time,

what can I give up, what
have i done?  Aven won't

eat anything but noodles
or grapes and cheese arranged
like a clown face on her plate.

Amelia curled up in my arms
this afternoon and sobbed
as we sat in the tall grass
by the fence and she said
she was sorry for frightening
the dog, bumping her head,
it was just too much,
that she was DONE!
I understand, Bird.

The rhythm of our days
is still so untested, still
frightening, tiring, new.

I'm fine as long as I don't look at things head on-
from a sideways glance, we're doing fine.

And I find support; my friends
who ask how it all is going,
who laugh with me
at the enormity of what we're
all trying to do.  To do well.
And from my mother-in-law
who makes me coffee,
slices beets into mason jars,
primed and painted my entire
living room in the last
few days, does my dishes
and laundry.  Tells me
I will figure this all out.

I miss unhurried mornings,
plans and projects, reflecting
and making.  My two blond
girls easing into the day
with me

It is hard to say
I don't know
that what I'm working so hard for
is right.

Maybe it is too soon,
and I'm tired
and overly dramatic,
and still have so much to do
before another morning begins.


sarah said...

oh Ellie. i know for me that there is lots of sorting when i add to a day. it takes time for things to readjust and settle into place.. and when they do, it is good. it all falls into the right spot. and when they don't i know it and we subtract and add again. that good settled feeling takes time. like going for a 10 mile run on hills when i am used to running 5 on flat ground... i know i will be sore and i need time for my strength to build up to what i am aiming towards. you are strong! sending love friend..

Ellie said...

thank you, sarah!
today felt better.
i really appreciate
your words.

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